Hello, curious humans.
I would have had this up earlier but I done had a busy week and I just am not getting around to writing this until Sunday at 10:30 AM and there you have it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this week about speaking about myself because I had a series of events this week that necessitated me speaking about myself and it felt kind of clumsy and difficult at times. Here’s a thing about me: I really don’t like labels. I have never liked labels. I went through a period in my teens where the idea of even wearing name brand clothing made me furious and defensive. I just didn’t and don’t like the idea of being associated with anything except being myself. However, I am also aware of this possibly creating this situation of “othering” people and I don’t want to do that either.
I have this perspective that if I were to meet you and rattle off a list of socially known labels that would describe myself to you, you’d jump to a conclusion for each one and not actually know me any better at all. That bugs me. It freaks me out. Especially since we’re all on a journey of getting to know ourselves, it especially bothers me that you might assume you know more about me than I do. If that makes sense. I’m not sure where all of this comes from and I can’t help but lecture myself about why I “should” just use labels to help everyone around me in some way. Maybe it’s all part of the Universe’s plan for me finding the people who get me. Maybe it’s childhood issues. Maybe it’s something in my chart. Maybe it’s me protecting myself by making people work for it. I think it’s just all of it jumbled together and expressed in whatever way. My real goal is to feel safe and secure in myself and to simply observe the feelings that come up when labels are brought up.
A lot of this came up from going to an AA meeting. I’ve never been to one, and I went because I went back to see my therapist for the first time in two years and she said “I’ve been to a lot of meetings as a social worker, maybe just try.”
Well, she actually said “Maybe try going to six over the next two weeks.” So I asked my NEW boss, with both vulnerability and total fear of being a burden, to move my schedule around on four separate days, and I found two meetings that sounded hopeful, and I took a Uber (another fearful thing for me) and had a good time chatting with my driver and I went to the meeting and the women were super nice and came up and introduced themselves to me and it felt really nice to be in a space where sobriety and authentic sharing was a focus. However, a lot of elements also felt extremely uncomfortable to me. Like, I almost bolted several times out of anxiety. But I didn’t. I stayed and I coaxed myself into chatting briefly before I left and I signed a card for someone and then I left and called my sister and ate a cookie while getting lost on a college campus in the rain for awhile.
So, yeah. The other (non-AA) meeting I want to try is the same night/time as my GED prep class and I can only miss two of those per month and I already missed two this month so it’s all a big ol’ question mark. But I will say that in finding that AA was not a fit for me it kind of sent me head first into embracing what IS for me and gave me a renewed sense of confidence in following my gut so it has a total positive side to it.
Also, it’s been almost a year since I started this journey by randomly deciding to stop smoking one day, so that’s pretty wild. I may have stopped smoking and drinking finally in January but it’s been building since last May and it’s totally humbling to remember how confused and struggling I was. I went to Disney World just after stopping smoking for the first time, like a couple weeks maybe, and wondered why I was a raging furious short-tempered bitch. AT MY FAVORITE PLACE. DAMMIT. I did it again in January. I had stopped smoking AND was trying to stop drinking and again, was wondering why I was so easily set off. So basically: Disney World, I’m sorry. I’ll be back in better spirits. I love and miss you.
Okay. I could probably ramble on for pages about everything and nothing so let’s get some links going.
Sundays are for Astrology
BONUS: Full Moon in Scorpio May 10, 2017 | Gregory Scott Astrology – I love following the new and full moons. They feel like little holidays throughout the month, and they help me focus on what themes I can notice when I feel chaotic or strongly.
Hi, my Name is Holly. and I’m not an Alcoholic. – “The label Alcoholic and the “disease” alcoholism confuses and muddies. It keeps us focused on a label and a construct and distracts us from the REAL problem at hand, which is our individual relationship with alcohol. We should just be able to ask ourselves this simple question and honestly so: Does alcohol negatively impact our lives? And if so should we take steps to address it? Without the fear of having to accept a new identity. Without the fear of having to accept that we might be different. Without the fear that we might have an incurable disease.”
Am I an alcoholic? – Laura McKowen – “Scenario #2 I say No, You’re not an alcoholic. You sigh with relief. Thank, God, you think. Now you can go back to drinking your 1-2 glasses of wine a night with dinner without worrying that you’ll soon find yourself drinking vodka out of the bottle in your bathtub to keep from beating your kids. Maybe you skip the wine here and there because you remember how great you felt for that month in March when you gave it up for lent. Maybe you do a Dry July or a Sober October and and each time, you feel that same, surprising sense of optimism and openness to life.
But you go back to it because, well, you’re not an alcoholic. Your spark dims a bit. That pesky anxiety gnaws at you. You’re generally hazy and less motivated. But that’s just life, right? You’re not an alcoholic, so the side-effects are unrelated, and you can quit easily whenever you want. What’s two glasses of wine with dinner, anyway? Life is meant to be lived! c’este la vie and carpe diem! You’ve never suffered any consequences because of drinking, really. You’re not like the girl whose blog you found on the internet, who crashed her car and got a DUI and left her daughter unattended during a blackout, or the one who drank in the mornings, or the one who lost custody of her kids, or the one who lost her job because she called in too many days sick to work hungover. It’s not like that. It’s fine. You’re fine. It’s not like you’re an alcoholic.”
What I found helpful in AA / Alcoholics Anonymous – “These were horrible times as I really did not want to drink, but I was not emotionally capable of dealing with life without alcohol and I did not understand that I was caught in a vicious circle where the drinking was driving my depression and not helping me avoid it. During this time I had no idea that panic attacks were caused by drinking, and I did not really understand what was happening to me. I thought I was the only person that felt like I did, but was actually very relieved to find that I was not unique and that it was possible to change my life. I think that hearing people share about their problems in AA meetings really helped me. I no longer felt alone, and I had a bunch of people I could identify with. When I heard others talk about their issues openly in front of a group it made it all right for me to look at myself.”
GUIDED MEDITATION – A Soothing & Relaxing Moment of Tranquility – This is a delightful meditation that is under ten minutes.
To be honest, I don’t have much this week. It was a long week and I had a lot to process.
I feel like Mercury going direct and Gemini season coming will inspire some new thoughts and content but for now, this is what I’ve got.
I hope you have a great Sunday, curious humans.